Take it back. It’s yours.

By Lily Sahaguian, LPC

Here we are again! As I slowly embody the change in seasons, I’m leaning into the pleasurable sensations of energizing morning walks, smelling flowers, and continuing my readings on sexuality, pleasure, and embodiment. The latest book that’s intrigued my curiosity is Alexandra Solomon’s “Taking Sexy Back.” 

In her book, she advocates for taking “your sexy” back in the wake of the patriarchy. From an intersectional feminist perspective, she describes “your sexy” as the process of uncovering your sexuality and your relationship to the erotic by practicing sexual self-awareness. And one of the first steps to practicing sexual self-awareness involves looking at what motivates you to have sex in the first place. 

So, what does motivate you to have sex? 

Solomon highlights two motivators: fear-driven motivators or love-driven motivators. She encourages readers to step away from fear/avoidant-based motivators (i.e., abandonment, conflict, embarrassment) and move toward approach/love-based motivators (i.e., pleasure, connection, affection). Learning about what motivates you to have sex can feel liberating, it can bring in a strong sense of sexual self-awareness, and empower you to take ownership of your sexual self. 

But, how can you safely transition from fear to love, or, from shame to pleasure? 

At times, clients will share their hesitation for opening the door to love/pleasure in fear of what it will say about them: “Will I be too much?” or “The type of connection or pleasure I crave is wrong and selfish.” I see this not only in relation to sexual pleasure, but any pleasure. Feeling entitled to lean into pleasure as a motivator for sex in a culture that reinforces negative messages about pleasure (i.e., it’s sinful, it means you’re overly excessive and irresponsible) - is HARD. The journey from fear to love or from shame to pleasure requires being self-compassionate and kind toward yourself. 

After all, morning walks and smelling flowers shouldn't be the only place we feel entitled to pleasure. I write this blog to advocate for you to take “your sexy” back, to hold space for those in fear of opening the door to pleasure, and to promote a sex-positive culture where pleasure is viewed as a fundamental human right. 

Get a copy of Alexandra Solomon’s “Taking Sexy Back” here! And visit her website for other resources here!