Why Do You Sex?
By Amy Stewart, LMFT, CST
As much as we’ve been conditioned to believe that true motivation for sex should be born only of raw passion and the immediate need to smoosh our bodies together, in reality moving toward sexual connection is much more considered. We’re basically motivated by approach goals or avoidance goals.
Approach Goals: These are about moving toward positive things and sound like:
“I want to feel connected to my partner”
“I want my partner to feel cared for”
“I want to express and feel love”
Avoidance Goals: These are about avoiding negative outcomes such as:
“I don’t want to fight”
“I don’t want to feel unattractive”
“I don’t want my partner to be in a bad mood”
You’re likely familiar with feeling motivated by avoidance, it can be pretty effective in some cases. For instance, thinking “I’m just going to put the dishes in the dishwasher so we don’t have to fight about it again” can be a completely viable solution for that issue. Unfortunately it does not work the same way when it comes to sex.
Folks who want to avoid emotional discomfort in the relationship might feel they must put their bodies in compromising positions. This can lead to frustration, hurt feelings and, at times, deep resentment toward their partners, making it pretty tough to want to move towards one another.
Research shows that, in general, focusing on approach goals tends to lead to happier relationships and better sex. Even for folks who experience pelvic pain. Women who report a history of pelvic pain and are motivated by strong approach goals, such as wanting to feel closer to their partner, reported better overall sexual relationships and less depression. They also report less pain during sex. The flip side of that is that those motivated by goals such as avoiding conflict or appeasing a partner report less relationship and sexual satisfaction and more physical pain.
Essentially, even though it doesn’t make much sense for your body to say, "Let’s do this thing that should feel good but actually hurts," when your brain chooses to move toward something positive, you’re more likely to have a better experience.
Check in with yourself and your partner. What are your motivations for connecting with them? What are their motivations for connecting with you? Are you behaving in ways that invite them to move toward you in a positive way?