Modeling Healthy Conflict
By Rebecca Patterson, LMFT
As the mom of a toddler, I feel like it is inevitable that at some point when talking to a fellow parent the topic of how we are raising our kids will come up. When I’m with my girlfriends, the discourse I hear the most is “Are you gentle parenting?” “I’m trying so hard, but there are certain moments when I don’t know what I’m doing.” “I want to make space for all the feelings, but sometimes I just need you to put on your shoes.”
I’m guessing whether you’re a parent or not, at some point you’ve likely heard one if not all of these lines out of a friend's mouth as parenting trends and strategies are a part of our lexicon at this point in time. Most of my friends, and frankly clients, find a deep sense of self doubt when they bump into the shoulds and shouldn’ts of parenting, because they just are never as black and white as we all want them to be!
In a recent moment of reflecting myself on what kind of parent I am and what my personal beliefs are on how, to put it crassly, to increase my odds of making my child more awesome than F-ed up, I had a light bulb moment:
Perhaps one of the biggest things I can give my children lives within how I fight with their dad.
What I mean by this, is if I am to raise kids who not only believe but know and recognize that the goal of conflict is understanding and that fighting is not supposed to be avoided but instead co-created respectfully with the people with whom we share our life, the best way I can impart that is by practicing what I preach.
These days, instead of being hard on myself when I force my kid’s coat on even though he clearly does not want to wear it, or doubting my approach to the day's temper tantrum, I’m finding it a breath of fresh air to focus on what I’m modeling.
If I want my son to try and understand others even when it’s hard, then I need to cultivate that when my partner and I are butting heads. If I want my family to be a place where we give the benefit of the doubt, then I need to accept that the impact of my partner’s tone was different than what was intended. If I want my children to be open and receptive to feedback, then when my partner tells me I brought today's stress into a conflict with him and it wasn’t helpful, I need to receive that, apologize, and accept without shame that I too am capable of being the source of the problem.
Accountability is really really hard, and maybe as we learn more and openly explore what it means to be the emotional creatures we are, we do more for the next generation by modeling the habits we hope they enact instead of believing there is some magic recipe we can explain to them that will somehow lead to a kinder generation.