A Must-Read for All!
By Lily Sahaguian, LPC
In the midst of this gray Chicago winter, I’ve found great company in Jessica Fern’s book Polysecure. Fern guides her readers through the depths of attachment theory, the importance of attachment in nonmonogamy, and the foundations of being polysecure in nonmonogamous relationships.
As attachment theory continues to trend, discussions remain around secure monogamy with little to no dialogue addressing secure nonmonogamy and attachments with multiple partners. So, I wondered: Have we somehow unconsciously followed the monogamous script of the dominant culture and allowed it to choose how we connect and converse with each other?
Fern coins the term polysecure – “the state of being both securely attached to multiple romantic partners and having internal security to navigate relationship insecurities” – to encourage us to think about how we can create dependable and enduring connections within ourselves and with others. Moreover, she offers The Nested Model of Attachment and Trauma, a framework that has solely been used in monogamous structures, to include people practicing consensual nonmonogamy (CNM). In this way, she helps steer the discussion beyond the limited mainstream levels where attachment predominately lingers and guides the reader into thinking about attachment and trauma on a multitude of levels including:
1. Self: The first level represents you holding the interior experience of your thoughts and feelings.
2. Relationship: The second level represents the one-on-one interpersonal experiences with parents, family members, close friends, lovers, and partners.
3. Home: The third level considers the ways in which our family interacted as a whole in how our actual physical home impacted our attachment.
4. Local Culture and Communities: The fourth level represents the places where we spend our time outside of our home including work, school, friends houses, and religious and spiritual centers.
5. Social: The fifth level addresses the larger societal structures and systems that we live in such as economic, legal, medical, political systems, and religious institutions.
6. Global or Collective Level: The sixth and final level represents our relationship to the environment and the collective Mother Earth.
Polysecure offers a new set of tools which help facilitate the complexities of navigating multiple loving relationships and introduces new avenues toward healing attachment wounds. Together, the tools and frameworks introduce new ways of consciously conversing and securely fostering our most important connections and relationships. Fern’s book taught me the importance of restoring inner equilibrium, and tickled the importance of consuming culturally relevant content, regardless of our relational orientation.
A must read, for all.
Explore Jessica’s Fern webpage for more information on her book, workshops, and webinars!