Feminism and Responsive Desire
By Rebecca Patterson, AMFT
If there was a bingo card for topics discussed with your sex therapist, the difference between responsive desire and spontaneous desire would for sure make an appearance. While for some this conversation begins and ends at psychoeducation, for others it is a deeper journey to challenge the norms involved in embracing the nuance of desire. The challenge comes in the reality that we glorify spontaneous desire as a superior form of desire that leads to better sex. This belief can really mess with your sex life!
Spontaneous desire is often fleeting and unreliable, while still fun and welcomed, it’s a tricky mechanism to hinge one’s sex life on. Responsive desire, on the other hand, is intentional and ritualistic, making space for intuition, self advocacy, and agency. Experts in the field from Emily Nagoski to Esther Perel all hang their hats on the beauty and importance of responsive desire. And yet, mainstream culture still puts spontaneous desire on a pedestal in films and is the lexicon most folks walk into my office with, showing that their voices are not enough to sway the cultural mindset on how sex is “best” initiated.
Another way to look at responsive desire is through the feminist lens. So much of the narrative of spontaneous desire lives in the definitions of sexual arousal and performance dictated by what happens stereotypically in the male sexual experience. Masters and Johnson mapped a linear experience of excitation, climax, and resolution that often misses the nuances of feminine arousal more accurately modeled in 2001 by Basson (as depicted below.) In this way, the glorification of spontaneous desire is a token of the patriarchy. Wouldn’t it be cool if not only could we give ourselves permission to have less pressure filled experiences of our sexual selves but also topple the patriarchy by making more room for responsive desire as a norm?!
Perhaps the desire to challenge the patriarchy for the benefit of all is not your pathway into reframing your beliefs around responsive desire. Maybe the lens of Esther Perel who notes that sex is almost always responsive, you shaved your legs before the date, you brush your teeth before bed, you’re intentional about sex long before the gust of wind blowing you into an encounter actually arrives... Either way, finding the lever that opens the door to a more nuanced experience of desire is a gift I encourage you to give yourself and your relationship.