To Have Sex or To Get Sleep? That Shouldn’t Be the Question
By Rachel Zar, LMFT, CST
Picture this: You wake up early, work a long day, finally got the kids to bed, and pour yourself into bed for a well-earned sleep. But, just as you’re about to drift off, your partner makes it clear that they want sex. “In the morning…” you mumble as you roll over. But when your alarm goes off, you’d both rather hit snooze than turn toward each other. Despite your best intentions, sex has taken a backseat to sleep. Sound familiar? This sex-versus-sleep battle is all too common for many couples, and often leads to either conflict, sleepless nights, or sexless relationships. So, what’s a couple who loves sex…. but really loves sleep… to do?!
Sure, every so often, it’s worth it to get an hour less of sleep to focus on romance. But studies show that consistently not getting enough sleep can diminish your sex drive – so, this plan will backfire long-term.
First, recognize that this is not a zero-sum game. With a little advanced planning and a few creative tweaks in your routine, even the busiest couple can find time for sex that doesn’t cut into sleep time. Here are some tips:
Does sex tend to be the very last thing you do at the end of a long evening? It’s time to rewrite that script! On your next night out or cozy night in, initiate sex before your planned activity. Feel-good oxytocin will carry over into your date night—and you can go to bed when you’re tired.
Does your partner go to bed later than you? Or vice versa? Try getting into bed together on the early side for a little sexy connecting time. Then the night owl can get back up to finish their evening routine.
Prefer to have sex in the morning? Relegate sex to weekends when you don’t have to hop out of bed for work. The key: Try not to plan any activities for the early hours of a more relaxed day (that farmer’s market can wait!).
If you’re craving a morning tryst on a weekday, set yourselves up for success by cluing your partner into your plans the night before. Then, go to bed earlier than usual and set an alarm that still gives you plenty of time to prep for the day.
If you’re distracted by morning breath or feeling sweaty after a night of sleep, there’s no shame in getting up for a quick bathe and brush and then getting back into bed—or even having a quickie in the shower to jump start your day.
We tend to assume that sex has to happen when we’re in bed anyway—either first thing in the morning or at night. But don’t forget about that afternoon delight! Work-from- home couples can schedule a “meeting” in bed during their lunch breaks. Or welcome your partner home from work with a sexy surprise before dinner. It’s so much easier to focus on pleasure when you’re not worried about cutting down on your sleep time!