You + Me = Us

By Lily Sahaguian, Clinical Intern

Seasonal changes are great opportunities to invite transition in our personal lives. For those looking to cozy up with a book in search of fresh perspectives, Terrence Real’s “US: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship” offers a road map to couplehood, intimacy, and the transition from an individualistic mindset to a more relational way of thinking. Talk about a welcome shift!

Transitioning from an individualistic mindset – me and you – to thinking relationally – us – does not mean you need to stop caring and thinking about yourself. In fact, thinking about “us” involves a whole lot of you! 

Great relationships begin with the self. Therefore, it is important for us to reconnect with ourselves first. We can begin to do so by coming into contact with the various parts of ourselves that show up in our relationships. 

Real’s book discusses two primary parts present in each person: (1) the Adaptive Child – a child’s version of an adult that only cares about me and (2) the Wise Adult – the calm, confident, humble version that cares about us. If you have worked with me before, you know I am always aiming to bring our core selves forward (i.e. the Wise Adult, who is calm), while acknowledging our most exiled parts (i.e. the Adaptive Child, wounded from the absence of healthy parenting). 

In a capitalistic world we are encouraged to be individualist, rigid, relentless, and on time. It pays off because we get compensated, promoted, and idolized. This is a perfect role for the Adaptive Child; yet this part of the self does not function well in romantic spaces. To feel intimacy, connection, and love we must bring the Wise Adult forward and acknowledge our most wounded parts with compassion. 

So how do we transition from an individualistic mindset to a more relational way of thinking? We must connect, understand, and acknowledge the self (i.e., our desires, needs, and wants) in order to shift the way we see ourselves in relation to our partners. In doing so, we can begin to understand these parts in each other and allow empathy, connection, and the relational Us to lead our relationships. 

Have a listen to Terry Real on this podcast episode of Reimagining Love. It will get you thinking relationally!