"Sex Positive" May Not Mean What You Think It Means

By Rachel Zar, LMFT, CST

“Sex positive” is one of the most important terms in our bios as therapists, but there’s been some confusion about what these words actually mean. So let’s talk about it! You’ve seen this term in a ton of contexts, including in politics, healthcare, and in the media (even, often, on “The Bachelorette” this season), but it’s not always used correctly. So, what does sex positivity actually mean?

One of the more common beliefs about sex positivity is that to be sex positive is equivalent to having a lot of sex, having a high libido, or loving adventurous sex. Yes, sometimes those things correlate, but that is not the rule. At its core, sex positivity is about taking a non-judgmental stance toward your own and others’ sex lives, regardless of what that looks like.

Historically, the term was coined in the 1920s (as the world was opening up after the Influenza pandemic – how apropos!) by Wilhelm Reich, a psychoanalyst and student of Sigmund Freud. He tried to spread the word that sex wasn’t the terrible, awful, no good, very bad thing that it was chalked up to be. In fact, he said, embracing our sexual side could actually cure many of our ailments. Of course, that idea didn’t exactly spread like wildfire in the 1920s (and many of these early concepts were problematic for reasons I won’t go into here…). But it sparked a change in mindset that came back full speed with the sexual revolution of the 1960s and has continue to shift and grow since, bolstered by social media in the 2000s, and including more of focus on feminism and queer and Trans rights and inclusion in politics and the media.

Still, many sex negative concepts and believes were and continue to be deeply ingrained in our culture, including that sex is inherently dirty, disgusting, or harmful, that it’s unnatural or that we can’t control our sexual urges. Sex negativity shows up in society when we see slut shaming and victim blaming, violence toward sex workers, homophobic or anti-trans legislation, violence, and other hate, among other things. It shows up internally when we shame ourselves for our sexual wants or fantasies, when we don’t value our own pleasure, or when we judge others for the sex that they are or are not having.

Now, sex positivity is all about valuing that sex is an experience that’s unique to each individual person. It means recognizing that there is no “correct” or “normal” way to be sexual – whether that means having lots of sex or no sex at all; kinky sex or vanilla sex; solo sex, coupled sex, or group sex; the list goes on and on. It means that sexual wellness and pleasure are important, and that sex includes those of all ages, races, genders, orientations, body sizes, and abilities.

Sex positivity includes a focus on sexual health and wellness. It means comprehensive sex education. It means recognizing the importance of having sex without unwanted pain. It means teaching and recognizing that enthusiastic consent is imperative. It means getting curious and going to a sex therapist when you want your sex life improved!

I’ll leave you with my favorite definition, which comes from Emily Nagoski (author of “Come As You Are”): Sex positivity is “the radical, all-inclusive believe that each person’s body belongs to that person.”