So What Do You Have to Show For It?

By Amy Stewart, LMFT, CST

So, we’ve been doing this pretty much an entire year now, huh? And for many of us, this has been one of the most traumatic of our lifetime, with umpteen losses of family members, friends, jobs, income, stability and time. It can feel like we’ve missed out on a twelve months of our  lives- family members not seen, trips not taken, dates not had and dentist appointments put on hold. There’s a massive sense of collective grief as we watch the clock tick towards one year of this.

So-what do you have to show for it? How have you changed? How have your relationships changed? My guess is so much more than you realize. 

For a lot of folks this has also been a time of exponential growth and resilience, with many digging into reserves we never realized we had.

A client recently shared a story of a friend polling for ten “good things” that happened over the past year in an attempt to “brightside” the situation a bit, with her astutely pointing out if you can only come up with 10 discrete things in 365 days that’s not exactly coming up roses. True. And...my guess is many of those things speak to some bigger structural and dynamic changes.

Maybe one of your things is a great hang with friends in the park?

Or the powerful experience of uniting with so many others in the city to fight for social justice?

A bookshelf that now includes "How to Be an Antiracist" and, "So You Want to Talk About Race"?

Social media feeds that now reflect and amplify the voices of black and brown folks?

A zoom call with some folks you’ve not connected with recently?

Your ubiquitous loaf of super easy bread or that focaccia everyone was raving about? (These were both delicious)

An entire shelf of your home now dedicated to puzzles and games?

Finely honed Pictionary skills from hours of Houseparty gaming?

Awesome! I’ve noticed the above translate more broadly into: 

A deeper understanding of the role of systemic racism and white fragility.

Deeper connections to friends and family with culled social circles and a movement away from toxic and draining relationships and superficial connections. 

A realization that some relationships aren’t meant to be when time away from each other, jobs that consume a large proportion of our day and other time fillers were no longer able to mask our incompatibility.

An appreciation of our own abilities to execute and learn, whether it’s in baking, puzzling or simply finding ways to fill time that don’t require consumerism.

A recognition of the value of kindness in our primary relationships. Many of us have shifted into treating partners as coworkers with all the “please and thank you’s” that entails. I’ve watched many truly recognize for the first time the value of extending generosity and grace to those in our space and the exponential dividends that returns.

A collective understanding and valuing of tolerating discomfort for the greater good, whether it’s wearing masks, taking a deep breath when the person at the self checkout is fumbling through that whole produce ordeal (guilty) or staying home to protect ourselves and fellow humans.

A very clear picture of the folks in our lives who may not share the same values we do, whether caring for those around us, fighting for social justice and speaking truth to power when it comes to politics.

And ultimately wells and wells of patience we never knew we had. Things have been undoubtedly tough and no one has done this perfectly...because no one has ever done any of this before and even on those days when patience was thin you’ve still made it here today. Excellent work. Keep going.