A Beginner's Guide to Tantra

By Rebecca Patterson, MSMFT

One of my favorite, and often quoted, insights from Esther Perel is this: Sex is a place you go not something you do. I share this idea with almost everyone in the therapy space, because it can shift sex from being filled with expectations to being a curious pursuit of an experience. For those looking to open the doors to their sex life in a more fulfilling and mutually pleasurable way, the idea of going versus doing often lands. Most people want to go there, but few are sure how to get there. 

For those looking to go there and enter a more meditative sexual experience that focuses on the energy between and the sensations within - I introduce Tantra. A primary goal of Tantra is to  awaken one’s senses through harmonizing the breath, and deriving pleasure and energy from the experience of another person’s body. 

There are many layers to Tantra, and what you will find below just scratches the surface. Long term practitioners can find a deep and spiritual experience in their Tantric practice with incredible stamina and body awareness the result. This is not the space everyone is looking to enter, and that is ok! But for many, the block to engaging in Tantra is the fear that they are ill-equipped to have a Tantric experience. Tantra is actually a space anyone can create even if they have little to no experience or interest in making it an expertise. So, if you’ve ever been curious, below is my beginner's guide to easily accessible steps of Tantra. 

Step into Tantra

Step 1: Create Your Space:

Tantra typically works best while seated on the floor, but any comfortable place where you can sit across from your partner comfortably while also close enough to touch each other will work.  Lay soft blankets on the floor with a pillow for each of you to sit on. If possible, it may be nice to have another pillow leaning against the wall or the bed for additional back support. 

Create a space that feels exciting and welcoming for you and your partner. This may mean mood lighting, accompanied by candles and nearby lube and oil. Wearing silk clothing may feel nice or you can choose to be nude. You also may enjoy having soft, sensual music on and feel free to add any other elements that feel sensual and calming.

Step 2: Body Scan 

Sit on your respective pillows facing each other. Tantra is all about creating energy, and it begins here. Starting with your hands at each other’s heads, you are each going to work your palms over the shape of your partner’s body. The goal is to hover just above the skin, not actually making contact, but instead being close enough to sense each other without actually being touched. Move slowly down your partner’s head, arms, chest, waist, pelvis and erotic parts, down the legs and ending at the feet. 

Sit and enjoy each other's body and the energy of being almost touched for a moment. 

Step 3: Moving Together

Holding onto the energy you just created, turn away from each other so your backs are touching. If possible, link your arms together. If there are limitations, you can also hold both hands or simply hold onto the presence of your partner’s back against yours. 

Sit in this position and bring your breath in unison, inhaling and exhaling together. Once your breath is in harmony, begin to sway, moving side to side, following and leading at the same time. If it feels good, you may also enjoy moving in a circular motion, leaning into one person's body and then looping back towards your own. 

Pause after five to ten minutes of moving, returning to the joint breath you created before.

Step 4: Erotic Touch

Have the first person (determined before the encounter) turn to face the back of the second person. Spread your legs to either side of the second partner, and have them lean back into your chest. Grab the nearby oil and lube and begin the exploration of your partner - maintaining breath awareness if possible. 

Starting again from the top of the body, in fluid, slow, and intentional movements, work your way down. Begin with the shoulders and arms, then transition to the chest and abdomen. First partner, try to notice what it is like to touch the skin of your partner; second partner, focus on the sensations of being touched and receiving pleasure and energy from your partner’s hands. 

Slowly move to the hips and down to the erotic parts of your partner. If your partner has a vulva, approach it with curiosity and move slowly, beginning with the outer walls surrounding the vulva, moving inward caressing the outer lips, inner lips, and finally the clitoris. If your partner has a penis, begin by caressing the pelvis and base of the penis and work upwards along the shaft towards the head. Explore what pressures and stroking bring a reaction from your partner.The goal is not orgasm, but instead an exploration of pleasure and the senses. If orgasm happens, that is ok, it is simply not the goal of the experience.

Move away from you partner’s erotic parts and finish with slow intentional movements down the thighs and legs, ending your exploration of your partner at the feet.

Sit in the energy of the moment, feel what it has meant to be explored and to explore. Switch roles and repeat.

Step Five: Ending 

You may choose to proceed to a further sexual encounter or bask in the erotic space you just created. If inclined, it may feel good to re-engage with the shared breath, perhaps by putting one hand on each other’s hearts and feeling the physical manifestations of the pleasure you two just created.