Are You Talking About Pleasure?
By Rebecca Patterson, AMFT
One of the most impactful moments of my training as a sex therapist was at a talk on sex education. The legendary Doug Braun-Harvey was leading the conversation and wrote the 6 requirements for a robust sexual education as deemed by the Surgeon General at the time. We all stared at the board as he asked, "What's missing?". The answer was obvious when he said it: Pleasure."
For all the progress we have made in normalizing what a comprehensive sex education requires, we've managed to leave out one of the fundamental pieces of sex. Most sexual health conversations between children and adults—that aren’t biological—focus on risk. While discussing the risks involved with sex is vital for all humans to understand as they mature, the avoidance of discussing pleasure stems from the fear that talking about the enjoyment of sex will encourage premature sexual behavior.
As we as a culture lean into more conversations about sex and intimacy, many are opening the door to the necessity of the topic of pleasure as we educated our young folks on their changing bodies and normal urges. Many researchers have actually found positive outcomes from incorporating pleasure as a topic of conversations in sex education - such as increased sexual health practices and use of protection.
One of the most stand out positive contributions a pleasure-positive sex education creates is an increase in partner communication. As any therapist specializing in sex will likely tell you - communication is the biggest element of co-creating a mutually satisfying and safe sexual relationship. Our bodies and our minds are far too complex for pleasure to be easily and reliably accessed without open dialogue. By leaning into the uncomfortable topic of sex being pleasurable and that the majority of adults primarily engage in sex because it is pleasurable, we set the next generation up for a chance to have this knowledge before they even become sexually active. Imagine beginning at a place where you believe pleasure is a birthright and that, during any sexual encounter, your and your partner’s bodies should feel good 100% of the time.
The task of incorporating pleasure in conversations with the children we are responsible for can feel daunting, especially since that was not the sex ed most of us received. Some helpful tips I have found to promote a more pleasure-positive sex education:
Start to build an understanding of pleasure before it is linked to sex.
Spend time dwelling in and pointing out experiences that feel good to the body and less than good by validating feelings of being too hot or encouraging moments that feel cozy and nice.
Explore one of the many helpful apps and websites (such as Scarleteen, Sex, Etc., and QueerTips) that encourage parents to facilitate talks with teens. Using these resources can help give safe options for understanding the realities of sex that can be explored and processed together with your teen.