Exploring Male Low Libido
By Rachel Zar, LMFT, CST
Many of the couples who come to see us at Spark are working through managing what we call a “desire discrepancy” — basically, when one member of the couple wants to have sex more frequently than the other. Such a common issue! In heterosexual relationships, many often assume that the female partner is the one with the lower libido. But we actually see a lot of couples where the male partner has the lower desire – which can be very distressing! After all, the media, porn, and decades of boys-just-want-to-have-sex gender expectations have left guys with the idea that if they’re not always ready to go, there’s something seriously wrong. And that stereotype leaves him with very little space to be, well, human. Libido in men is complex—and can be affected by physiological, relational, and mental factors. There is no “correct” amount that men desire sex any more than there’s a correct amount for them to desire ice cream. A low libido is only problematic if it has a negative impact on the relationship or is distressing to the man in question, which may be especially true if you’ve noticed a recent drastic change.
The reasons for shifts in libido are varied. But if you’re curious, you may first want to rule out medical issues. There’s a high correlation between men with low desire and other sexual concerns, like erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, or difficulty with orgasm. (After all, worrying about your sexual performance is not a sexy feeling.) These things can be correlated with a myriad of medical issues—like hypothyroidism, diabetes, heart disease, cancer, and history of Covid infection—as well as a side effect of many medications, most notably blood pressure meds and antidepressants. Depression, anxiety, or stress may also seriously block desire. Smoking or excessive drinking may also be the culprit. This is why a thorough medical examination is never a bad idea, especially if the change is drastic or causing distress.
For those who are noticing negative impacts of a male partner’s decreasing libido on your relationship, a few pointers:
GET CURIOUS. It can be tough, but try not to jump to worst-case-scenario conclusions. (“You’re cheating!” or “You’re no longer attracted to me!”) Instead, try to get curious instead of defensive. If your partner feels shamed or emasculated for turning down sex, he’s only going to want it less—and be less likely to collaborate with you about solutions.
GET TALKING. Create a safe space to bring up each of your concerns by having a fully-clothed conversation, and think together about what has shifted over time. Has work stress gone up? Have you had kids? Are you fighting a lot? Are you feeling disconnected in general? Maybe there are things that need to shift in your relationship as a whole before sex can become a priority again.
GET CREATIVE. Once you have a deeper understanding of what’s getting in the way, try, from a place of collaboration instead of blame, asking each other: Is the sex we’re having worth wanting? Adding new things to your sexual experience can help sex feel more playful and less heavy, which may increase desire. If erection or orgasm concerns feel front and center, try centering pleasure instead of performance in your sexual exploration.
If these conversations don’t go well or if you’re left stumped, seeking out a sex therapist may be your best option. We’re here to make these tricky, intimate, and essential conversations so much easier.