Buying In and Timing Out
By Amy Stewart, LMFT, CST
Strengthening communication skills and identifying snags are one of the most frequently discussed issues in relational work. We’re regularly noticing and identifying constraints to feeling heard and understood. We’re looking for shortcuts to let us get to those feelings as quickly as possible and avoid an escalation of tension or conflict. Slowing down the pace of communication and shifting our scripts to include more intentionality goes a long way toward bridging the gap. This can be implemented in multiple ways.
Long before emotions begin to heighten, we can get our partner’s buy-in prior to jumping into questions or conversation. This often sounds like...
“Can I share something with you right now...?”
“Do you have mental/emotional space for…?”
“Can I make a request?”
We can set accurate expectations for our partner in order to ensure there’s no expectation/reality gap. We do this by noticing what’s going on with our own emotional and mental states and then cueing our partner appropriately. We’re providing context for our potential less-than-stellar reactions before they occur. This often sounds like...
“Finishing up some emails, I’m able to be present in about 15 minutes!”
“I’m just in a really bad mood and need some space today.”
“I’ve got a lot going on with work and I’m feeling overwhelmed.”
And, when the first two haven’t kept us from sliding into tension or potential conflict, we can take a formal time out. This often sounds like:
“I’m not able to be the best version of myself right now and need a break.”
“Time Out”
T Hand Signal
Code Word
Though it actually translates to something along the lines of…
“Dearest partner. For whatever reason, right or wrong, I am about to lose it. If I stay here and keep this up with you I am liable to do or say something that I know I’m going to regret. Therefore I am taking a break to get a grip on myself and calm down. I will check back in with you responsibly.”
Time outs are not meant to be vindictive or punishing of a partner, instead they are intentionally designed to protect our partner, ourselves and our relationship from the less functional version of us that are incapable of empathy and self-regulation when flooded. Use that time to self-soothe, go for a walk, listen to music, journal, watch a show, pet a dog, things that let your body and mind return to baseline. After twenty minutes, check in in person or via phone and let your partner know if you need more time.