Why Don't I Want to Have Sex Right Now?
By Rachel Zar, LMFT
So pandemic lockdown has provided you with tons of extra free time, an always-available partner, and an excuse to pretty much never leave the bedroom… the perfect recipe for ramping up the sexual spark in your relationship, right?! But hold on… let’s talk about all the other things that come with this new normal: a constant state of stress and anxiety, no breaks from your partner, and fewer opportunities for self-care. The truth is, when it comes down to it, sex may be the absolute last thing on your mind right now, and that’s OK!
There’s this idea out there right now (thanks, social media) that everyone else is using quarantine to transition into their best selves: learning a language, planting a garden, baking all the bread, and having nonstop mind-blowing sex all day. Trust me: they are not. Yes, some people are flourishing right now, that’s true – but the majority of us are just trying to get through each day in one piece. We are collectively grieving the loss of our daily routine, coping with an ominous unknown future, and trying to keep our kids educated and fed, hold onto our jobs, and keep everyone we know safe. It serves us all to remove some of that pressure to be thriving while it’s asking a lot of us just to be surviving. If you’re not having great sex (or any sex) right now, there may be several very good reasons why.
First: stress. Stress tends to affect libido in one of two ways: For some, there’s no better time than when they’re stressed to have sex. After all, sex is a great distraction, and it releases endorphins that improve our mood. That orgasm can be a great relief for pent up anxiety. (Not to mention that many of us are also just kind of bored… and sex is something to do.) However, for many, stress means sex is the absolute last thing on their minds. This makes a lot of sense: When we’re in a hyper-aroused, stressed-out state, the ability to relax into a sexual experience may go right out the window. After all, we’re in survival mode! Our sympathetic nervous system is in overdrive, so relaxing may be biologically impossible. Stress triggers the release of hormones such as cortisol and epinephrine that conflict with our sex drives. Plus, you may be feeling anxiety and depression symptoms more acutely, which is decidedly not a sexy way to feel. It’s also important to recognize that some common quarantine coping habits, like smoking, drinking, overeating, or lack of exercise can leave us with a lot less energy or motivation to be feeling ourselves sexually.
Be kind to yourself about this, and remind yourself and your partner that this is temporary and that there will be a time when you’re feeling more sexual again. If you both decide that you want to try to spice things up, a few ideas:
Schedule Intimacy. Yes, put it on the calendar. Just because you’re not going to work every day doesn’t mean the time for sex will just magically present itself. Your day will fill up if you don’t plan it, I promise!
Spend Time Apart. It’s also hard to desire someone who’s literally right next to you on the couch in their sweatpants all day. It may sound counterintuitive, but taking some intentional time apart breeds connection: go for a walk by yourself, work in separate rooms, put on noise- canceling headphones and pretend the other person isn’t there. Being intentional about your time apart makes way for being intentional about your time together.
Feel Sexy First. What makes you feel sexy? If your answer isn’t '“wearing the same pajamas for three days” or “never brushing my hair” don’t do those things. Wear something that feels cute, take a shower, exercise -- if you feel good in your body, you are so much more likely to want to do more things with it.
Focus on Pleasure, Not Performance. Start with something sensual instead of sexual (a massage, a bubble bath, a naked cuddle) and see if desire for more grows. Stress can prevent our bodies from responding the ways they might otherwise -- making it harder to hold an erection, get lubricated, or have an orgasm -- so focusing on sensuality takes that pressure off. You may also find that physical touch without that pressure to perform can be a huge stress reliever.
Get Creative. If your partner falls into the “stress makes me want more sex” category, but you don’t, masturbation is a great option for them -- or, if you’re comfortable with it, you can find a compromise, like you holding them while they masturbate. Creative solutions work best when you’re both able to recognize that neither of your feelings (tons of desire or very little desire) are wrong, they’re just different. In the end, kindness to yourselves and to each other breeds connection, and that’s what will help you get through this.