The Imbalance of Parenting During a Pandemic
By Rebecca Patterson, MSMFT
Yesterday, on our Spark Chicago Therapy group text, owner Amy Moran shared this article with us. The article, written by a Mom, explores what many Moms are experiencing right now: Dad gets to work while Mom does the home care and her work. Amy shared it in our thread because each of us have a handful of clients who feel burnt out and resentful as they struggle to balance the increase in workload as a parent while watching their partner neglect their share.
In my experience, both as a therapist and my personal life, the imbalance in childcare, shows up as incredibly gendered. While I know there are exceptions and couples who have worked hard to equalize their roles, many women who have full time demanding careers are also finding themselves on full-time, demanding Mommy duty. This means emails are sent between 7pm and 3am when children are asleep. Personal time has gone by the wayside and many women see their male partner’s assumingely put their careers first and fall into dated norms of who is responsible for the majority of childcare.
The “Mommy-guilt” women carry in their typical work life seems to be heightened even more right now, and shows up as overfunctioning for their partner’s share of parenting duties. As I tell many of my clients, naming something is a massive step forward in changing it; this imbalance exists, and as quarantine continues, we are bleeding our Moms dry. While there is no perfect fix, the couples who are finding the most success in correcting course are doing a few very important things. Take a look at these three steps to reflect on as you recalibrate your roles as partners right now:
Open Your Eyes: See what your partner is doing, acknowledge it and start noticing what their day looks like compared to yours. By paying witness to someone’s experience you increase compassion and hopefully notice what isn’t collaborative and make an effort to regain balance.
Advocate for Space: This one is for my burnt out Mommies! Pick your day off where Dad can be the primary parent and TAKE IT! Space for yourself is hard to find at this time, but creating space to just do you is good practice for your partner and restorative for you. Hopefully, this allows you to show up as your fuller self when you are with your family.
Make a Schedule: You know this one! Every blog post written amidst the Covid-19 crisis has mentioned a schedule. Schedules are incredibly protective right now because they help set a couple and family up for success and make expectations clear.
While the gendered norms that are being particularly highlighted during this unique time are not novel phenomena, they do appear to be more challenging than ever. Shifting the gendered imbalance of parenting during Covid-19 will only work if both parents take an active role in doing so, and we encourage all parents to reassess and recalibrate their changing and challenging roles during this time!