I have no idea what the hell I’m doing and Brene Brown said it’s ok. 

By Amy Stewart, LMFT, CST

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Last week’s post had an excellent list of some of the fantastic mental health content and emotional support that’s been bubbling to the collective surface over recent weeks. I’d like to throw in one more that I’ve been leaning on pretty heavily, both for myself and in session with clients- Brene Brown’s Unlocking Us Podcast. 

The debut episode on F***ing First Times (FFTs) resonates so deeply because I, like most folks on the planet, have no idea what the hell I’m doing right now. And that’s hard and it’s scary. It is foreign terrain that most of us don’t like to spend much time even traversing let alone sitting down in, yet here we are mired down for an unknown amount of time in the unknown. And when we’re feeling vulnerable, when something feels too big or scary, what do we do? We have a tendency to shrink back, to get smaller or shut down, or alternatively, to get defensive, to get bigger and scarier ourselves, whether that’s directed towards our partners, our kids or even ourselves. 

In Brene’s words,“This pandemic experience is a massive experiment in collective vulnerability. We can be our worst selves when we’re afraid, or our very best, bravest selves. In the context of fear and vulnerability, there is often very little in between because when we are uncertain and afraid our default is self-protection. We don’t have to be scary when we’re scared. Let’s choose awkward, brave, and kind. And let’s choose each other”

Ok, that’s a choice we’d like to make, but how do we do that? How do we choose kindness and compassion over defensiveness and blame?  Dig deeper into that FFT. 

  • Identify and Name It:  This is the first time I’m doing x and I’m uncomfortable

  • Normalize It: It is completely normal to feel stressed and uncomfortable about x, I’ve never done it before

  • Put It In Perspective: Feelings aren’t forever, I’ve felt uncomfortable many times in my life and the moment passed. This one will too.

  • Reality Check Expectations: This reality is not matching what I expected and I’m disappointed. I might need to adjust my expectations for awhile. 

Remember, something can only be an FFT once...after that it’s a FST and perhaps just a touch easier. 

Amy Freier