My Most Common Question From Perinatal Clients

By Amy Moran, LCPC, CST, PMH-C

As a relationship and sex therapist with a specialty in perinatal mental health, you can imagine the types of questions I get about what is “normal” sex after having kids—normal amount, normal quality, normal desire, etc. Let’s get into some of the answers to questions you might have but don’t know how to ask!

The loss of sexual desire after having kids is common and can happen for many reasons including hormonal changes, physical changes, and emotional changes. Your relationship to your body, as well as your relationship to your partner, has also likely shifted, and both take some time getting reacquainted! 

Let’s start with the basics. Sexual desire is an interesting and complex process that isn’t nearly as simple as the movies make it seem. There are actually two kinds of sexual desire: spontaneous desire and responsive desire. Spontaneous desire is that feeling of “I’m horny, I want sex!” that usually follows a thought or image, sometimes seemingly out of nowhere. This is certainly normal and healthy, but it is not the only form of desire. Those of us with responsive desire, on the other hand, require more specific context and actual stimulation in order to be interested in sex. This tends to look more like “I’m not turned on at all, but let’s get started and I’ll probably get into it.” Essentially, you have to be engaged in sexual activity before you mentally are interested in it. This is also NORMAL AND HEALTHY! Unfortunately, we’ve been socialized to believe that unless we feel horny and want sex spontaneously, there’s something wrong with us, we’re broken, or the “spark” is gone. This is so very untrue, and the sooner you and your partner honor and cultivate this other, very normal, form of desire, the more room you have to explore and engage sexually—judgment-free! This might mean understanding that you likely won’t start from a place of rip-your-clothes-off desire, and that you need to be physically aroused with some foreplay or romance before you’re actually interested in sex. 

This is especially important to understand after having kids, as you will likely need more intentional time to transition into a sexual space. Sexual desire, in general, often requires context cues like a nice date night, a particularly good interaction with your partner, or other context cues that trigger thoughts/feelings of closeness. It’s really hard to snap our fingers and be ready for sex when we just cleaned spit up off the floor. Allow yourself transitional time to enter into sexual/erotic/intimate energy, either solo or with your partner! This can mean starting with a massage, a bath, meditating, cuddling on the couch together, having a deep conversation about things other than the kids, etc. 

This can also mean reminding yourself that sexual pleasure is something you deserve and can access when and how it feels right. A good way to start is by exploring your body yourself through masturbation, which can help safely reawaken the part of you that may have been silenced by any trauma experienced from pregnancy, labor/delivery, and post-pregnancy. 

If you’re experiencing pain, I always recommend speaking with your physician (ideally a sex-positive OBGYN!), as pain is your body’s way of signaling that something isn’t quite right. Your doctor might suggest working with a pelvic floor physical therapist, as they specialize in helping you understand and identify the source of your pain and work to resolve it effectively, and/or working with a sex therapist (like me!).