I Don't Wanna Supervise!

By Amy Stewart, LMFT, CST

There is so much to love about Kate Mangino’s book Equal Partners: Improving Gender Equality at Home that it really would be easier if everyone just read it. And for the folks who might most benefit, it’s apparent there’s not a lot of time for at least one half of the equation to read much of anything. Her book clearly and compellingly outlines why gender roles are so insidious and provides exercises at the end of each section with realistic strategies to effect incremental change. 

One of the most resonant and refreshing parts of the book is the delineation of reframes that we use to cover up gendered behavior in relationships. If you know my work, you know I am all the time talking about the expectation/reality gap: that most of our distress lies in the space between our expectation of a thing and the reality of the thing. That leaves us with the option to change our expectations or change the reality of our experience. 

In the same vein, a couple who values gender equality bumps into inequality they have essentially three choices: change their values (which no one wants to do because this is part of who we are) change their behavior (super difficult and takes lots of time)  or a third option,  ‘degender’ behavior so it doesn’t look like a gender issue. This requires nothing of us beyond maintaining the status quo. One very common reframe is the Supervisor/Employee, which plays out so seamlessly in session and real life. 

In households with two working adults, some couples divide tasks along management lines. Essentially, one person assumes a “supervisor” role and one the “employee” position. Makes sense right? Why not treat the household similar to the workplace? The manager focuses on cognitive labor and the employee on completion of tasks. Unfortunately,  this framing often ends up being unfair to both. 

When the employee is perfect, this setup can go swimmingly. But just like any job, if the employee forgets half the tasks and half-asses the rest, it creates more work for the manager. Employee late again? No recourse there.  They can assign tasks to their partner, but essentially get what they get, often leaving them to give up and take on more work just to get things done. Everyone knows managing a delinquent employee is more trouble than just doing the job themselves. 

This is also unfair to the employee. It makes the assumption that the supervisor has more expertise and the expectation is that they will simply listen and follow instructions. Not much autonomy there.  In the words of Mangino, “Who wants to live in a world where your partner is thought to know more about- well, everything- than you do? How is that all romantic?”

So how do we change generations of gender socialization immediately? Well, we can’t. Then how do we start to shift away from these patterns of behavior? Notice them. Acknowledge them. Talk about them. And talk about whether or not you actually want to change them. For some folks, following traditional gender norms may make perfect sense for your family. Talk about that, too. And if you have kiddos, note for them that while taking on traditional male and female roles is the best choice for your family, they certainly aren’t a requirement and other folks can choose to do what works best for their households.