Can Sex REALLY Get Better With Age?
By Rachel Zar, LMFT, CST
Earlier this month, The New York Times published a beautiful article titled “The Joys (and Challenges) of Sex After 70.” It opens with a romantic and realistic look at the story of a couple who discovered themselves sexually as they aged. “David and Anne are in their 80s now, and they recently told me that at this stage of life, sex is the best it has ever been,” it reads. “But getting there took effort.” While clients have balked in the past when I mention research that shows that sex absolutely can get better as you get older, this article provides a wonderful, comprehensive look at why that’s true—and how to get there. It also explored the stigma we tend to hold about older adults exploring their sexuality, and the lapses in sex education as we age that tend to perpetuate it. I highly recommend reading the whole thing here. But if you have limited time (or get stuck behind the paywall). Here are a few tl;dr takeaways:
Per the New England Journal of Medicine, about 25% of those ages 75-85 have had sex in the last year. And of those, more than half have sex multiple times per month, and almost one quarter at least once per week. The context of our lives as older adults can facilitate more time and space for exploring sexuality. After all, we work less, we’re less physically active, and we travel and socialize less. The focus on savoring each moment can lead to increased mindfulness and emotional connection in our sexual experiences.
Older adults will notice changes in their sexual functioning due to hormone changes, like increased vaginal dryness and more difficulty with erections. Not to mention – physical and strength limitations. As our bodies change, sex often doesn’t (or can’t) follow the same old script. This means permission to explore options outside of what we turned to when we were younger – exploring touch, oral sex, or using toys.
Those over 60 report increased ability to articulate their wants and needs to a partner, plus less judgment of themselves or difficulty with narratives about what sex “should” look like. Like those at any age, it can be helpful to create a context for sexual experiences (like lighting candles, playing music, etc.) and to understand “responsive desire,” which means desire comes after, not before, touch and stimulation. Many older couples find joy in including more playfulness in sexual experience, incorporating toys and props (like mild restraints or blindfolds) and leaning into fantasy.
Sex as we age is good for us! It’s been linked to improved immunity, sleep, cognitive functioning, and cardiovascular health in women. Plus, a lower chance of prostate cancer and reduced stress.
Masturbation is also a fun and healthy addition to the menu for many over 70, and may be especially important for older women, who are far less likely to be partnered. Sex toys, vibrators, and a good lubricant are key!