Re-Defining Masturbation

By Rachel Zar, LMFT, CST

For many, even speaking the word “masturbation” aloud (let alone actually doing it) feels near impossible. Laden with messages from parents, school or religion, memories of past shame or trauma, or negative body- or self-image, the concept of self pleasure can sometimes feel more anxiety-inducing than enjoyable.

If any of this rings true for you, I invite you to shift and expand your mindset about what masturbation actually looks like. Renowned therapist Esther Perel takes a stance on an early episode of her podcast “Where Do We Begin” that I think explains this concept beautifully:

“Do you twirl your hair? Do you like to stroke your arm?...All of that is masturbatory in the broad sense of the word. People think that masturbation is just with a finger inside or...going for the clit. Narrow, boring, predictable. That’s a piece of it, but that’s not where you’re going to start. Do you do other things that you enjoy just for the sheer pleasure?”

What if we could expand the term “masturbation” to include anything you do just because it feels good? What if we took the pressure off our genitals to do all the work? Or the pressure off self-touch to have to include orgasm? For those who find masturbation daunting, there’s no need to go anywhere near your genitals to learn the skill of allowing your body to feel its very best. And for those who have fallen into a masturbatory routine, expanding your lens may just mean expanding your pleasure potential.

Here are a few suggestions:

Bathtime Bliss: Take a bath when you’re already clean just to enjoy the feeling of relaxing into warm water. For extra sensory satisfaction, add bubbles, dim lighting, a delicious-smelling candle, and a glass of wine.

Intentional Indulgence: Instead of mindlessly downing that pint of ice cream, savor each spoonful. Notice the taste, texture and temperature of that tasty treat—from your first bite to your last.

Moisturizing Moment: Next time you step out of the shower, take a few extra minutes to lather on lotion. Explore your body, massage your muscles, and feel the softness of your skin.

Soak Up The Sun: Spending time outside? Take a few minutes to lean into the little joys nature provides: sun on your skin, breeze at your back, grass beneath your feet. I’m a big fan of outdoor yoga for all the feel-good sensations it provides!

Ultimately, I’ve seen clients have the most success when discovering things that feel authentic to what they already know they love. For you, it may be wriggling your toes into the sand at the beach; or a fluffy snuggle with your dog; or reveling in the release into bed at the end of a long day. Allowing yourself good feelings is a skill that sometimes takes time to master—but, trust me, the pleasure you’ll receive is worth the wait.