Are You Holding Hands With Anyone Else? And Other Pandemic-Era Dating Boundaries
By Rachel Zar, LMFT
I was recently chatting with a friend who had just started seeing someone new. They’d met online, started with a FaceTime, met for a few socially-distanced dates, and had recently crossed into physical intimacy. She was feeling great about their blossoming relationship when she got a text from her new man inviting her to a wedding – in just a couple weeks. She suddenly felt two strong feelings at once: 1. Thrilled that he liked her enough to invite her to a special event; 2. Terrified at the thought of being in a crowd of over 100 people during a pandemic. As a medical professional, she knew she didn’t feel comfortable putting herself, her loved ones, and potentially her patients at risk. As a woman in the honeymoon stage of a relationship, she reeeeally wanted to go.
These kinds of dilemmas are far too common in today’s world – and I hear similar stories from clients all the time. “They don’t think it’s important to wear a mask on our walks, but I’d feel more comfortable if they did.” “He wants to meet for a drink, but I don’t feel safe at restaurants.” “She’s not comfortable with me dating other people, but I think it’s too soon to commit.”
Setting boundaries around your safety is always important in dating – but the pandemic makes it even more crucial to communicate boundaries clearly and practice respecting the boundaries of others. Before entering into dating in this strange, new world, I recommend starting by asking yourself a few questions:
Am I comfortable meeting someone in person? Or would I prefer video dates? What kind of dates feel safest to me (walks, outdoor drinks, park picnics)? Am I comfortable dating someone who’s also seeing others? At what point do I feel comfortable touching, kissing, or having sex? What will I need to know prior to those milestones in order to feel safe?
Even if some of these answers feel obvious to you, don’t assume that someone else’s version of safety is the same as yours. Everybody makes their own compromises and risk/reward judgments. So once you have a sense of your own expectations, it’s time to share this information with any potential partners and find out their answers in return. Yes, that may mean asking and answering questions that would never come up on a first or second date in another circumstance. Are they seeing other people? Who’s in the “pod” of people they’re interacting with? Are they going to restaurants? Are they traveling to other states? These conversations may make you sweat at first, but I promise they will get easier with time. Ultimately, they will keep you safe, and they will also set the precedent for honest, transparent communication if the relationship works out. Win win.
A few tips for helping the conversation go smoothly:
Open-ended questions to start will give you a sense of what you’re working with: What are the boundaries you’re setting for yourself around Covid? What do you see as the steps for dating safely these days?
Don’t be afraid to ask more specifics if something they say raises your antenna: Do you wear a mask when you visit your family? Are you kissing any other people?
If you’d like to ask them to do something differently, frame it as a request not a demand: I’d feel safer if you wore a mask on our walks. Are you OK with that?
Offer your own information, too, so that it doesn’t feel like an attack: I feel safe at outdoor restaurants right now, but I’m not comfortable eating inside. How do you feel?
If you’re uncomfortable asking a more personal question, it’s OK to let them know that, so they can meet you there: I would normally never ask this so soon into dating, so this is awkward, but before we meet in person, can you tell me a little about who else you’ve been seeing in person?
Be honest when you’re asked questions about the precautions you’re taking, and try not to get defensive or judge if you’re asked to be more cautious than you think is necessary. If your partner sets a boundary or feels uncomfortable with what you’re doing, remember that they have the right to decide when they do or do not feel safe.
The same is true for you. Remember: If a prospective date pushes back, judges, or tries to talk you out of your boundaries, this says more about them than you, and it tells you a lot about who they are in a relationship. Somebody who doesn’t respect what makes you feel safe or doesn’t empathize with what you need may continue to do so in other contexts – so in some ways, this provides a nice litmus test. If you’re really not in alignment, you may just not be a good fit right now.
As for my friend who was asked to be a plus one at a pandemic-themed wedding: She took a beat to check in with her conflicting feelings and ultimately decided that large social gatherings were too far out of her safety zone. She let her new guy know that she wasn’t comfortable with going to the wedding, but that she’d love to get all dressed up and go to a fancy (and safe) outdoor dinner instead. He thanked her for her honesty and enthusiastically agreed. Boundary set. Boundary respected.