We're Doing It Wrong

By Amy Stewart, LMFT, CST

Here’s the thing: Humans are relational and yet we are bad at relationships. We have a tendency to do them wrong. Because our mode of keeping safe clashes with the needs of others and we are programmed to choose ourselves.

Here’s another thing: We can be doing it exactly the way we were taught- because our models can be wrong, parents, teachers, textbooks, presidents. The system is fundamentally wrong while working exactly as planned. 

Here’s the most important thing: We simply cannot get anywhere until we are able to acknowledge we’ve been doing it wrong and vow to do it differently.

I am not an expert on race, but I am an expert on relationships. In therapy, you come in and you say to me:  We are stuck, we’re at odds, this doesn’t feel fair, I’m hurting, they’re not listening...

And I listen and map the recursive dance you’re doing with one another and look at the dynamics of your relationship, of your very own system. We look at the external context, the larger system you’re nestled in, and more often than not we say, “Oh wow, I see what’s happened. Here is where you’re doing it wrong.” Or rather you’re doing it exactly right, but it’s unfortunately no longer serving you as humans. You’ve learned “x” and actually what you need, what your partner needs, what your relationship/family/community/humankind needs is “y”. 

We have to acknowledge the pain of the other and our role in it. And that feels BAD. We do all kinds of unproductive things to defend against the feelings of guilt and shame that come along with acknowledging we were wrong, that we misunderstood, that we’ve been hurting someone we care about. And then we have to move past that.

We absolutely cannot live or do the work in that space of defensiveness, relitigating over and over again the reasons we hurt someone, the evidence that: we didn’t mean to, we didn’t know, just get over it, it was a long time ago, it’s not my fault. We have to have the, “Oh my, I’m so sorry I’ve hurt you, what can I do now and how can I do this differently so that I am not continuing that pain moving forward?” moment. 

Sometimes there’s the mythical “breakthrough” and things are forever changed. Most often it is the start of a journey. With each partner letting go of defensiveness and sitting in the vulnerability of the impact that their fear or moves toward self preservation have had on their partner, on their relationship, on their life. We tear down the system brick by brick and slowly rebuild in a healthier way. We vow to do it differently, then inadvertently slip into old patterns because we’ve been doing it that way for lifetimes, for centuries. We realize the slide and recognize we have the opportunity to do it differently next time. Over and over again until we’ve created something new.