You Are Not the Boss of Me

By Amy Stewart, LMFT, CST

No one likes being told what to do. Even if we would be doing something of our own volition, the moment the directive comes from someone else, psychological reactance joins the party- that uncomfortable feeling that jumps up when we feel a threat to our freedom- of choice, movement, behaviors, thoughts. I often use the example of “Do you want some ice cream?” “Yes, please!” “I have chocolate and vanilla.  Here, you have vanilla.” Even if our favorite thing in the entire world is vanilla ice cream, a part of us screams, “You are not the boss of me!” and we struggle to say thank you and accept the gift. 

Let’s label this control aversion and let’s notice that right now we are all being seriously controlled by a global pandemic.  You might notice some of that aversion is getting misplaced onto partners, parents, kids, teachers, Costco employees, etc...There is currently a force bigger than any of us, dictating our movements, instilling fear, confusion and uncertainty. Something is the boss of us in a way it never has been and the potential consequences of insubordination are different than anything most of us have ever faced directly. We know this in our bones and are acting out….again in a misplaced kind of way. 

We’re eating too much ice cream, we’re not doing all the things the internet and our therapists tell us to do, we’re not going outside, we’re binge watching Dead to Me and eating taco bell in bed. That’s ok. You do you. Decide yourself what you want to be accountable to and then be accountable to yourself. 

AND please also remember that you do not live in a vacuum. You are likely interacting with other humans on an at least occasional basis, if not 24-hours a day. Notice how control aversion might be showing up when another human makes a completely reasonable request of you and check in with yourself to see if it’s accurately placed. 

Try slowing down so you are able to respond vs react. Check in with yourself- Is your partner really trying to exercise their power and dominance over you when they request you put the La Croix cans in the right place ¹? Or are they perhaps trying to make your shared living space² a more comfortable place for all to enjoy?  Is not putting cans in the recycling really the hill you want to die³ on? 

Continue to be kind to one another, dig deep into patience and remember it is not a contest. You are on the same team. 

¹wear a mask to protect those around you

²the world

³perhaps literally

Stay safe!