Dear Procrastinators: I Feel You
By Rachel Zar, LMFT, CST
Before I started my career as a therapist, I worked for magazines as a writer and editor. In the journalism world, deadlines were hard – and, for me, getting an article done by that deadline felt even harder. I was confused: after all, I considered myself a well-organized person; I loved the feeling of checking things off a to-do list; and I actually liked to write. Still, those deadlines crept closer, and I found myself dreading the stress I was consistently creating for my future self by putting off the big projects. I told myself I was lazy and that I just needed to try harder. And I tried everything: organizing my long to-do lists, color coding my calendars, and even trying to trick myself into thinking a deadline was earlier than it actually was. (Alas, I always outsmarted myself.) It wasn’t until much later, after I’d switched my career path to therapy, that I discovered the truth about chronic procrastinators: We don’t usually have scheduling or time management issues; we have emotion regulation issues.
Let me explain: The stress we feel about procrastinating is usually because we know that putting something off now, replacing it with the in-the-moment relief of another task, is actually just setting our future selves up to suffer later. We know logically that we’re screwing ourselves over, but our immediate feelings (fear/anxiety/frustration/boredom) override that knowledge. Then, once we know we’re procrastinating, we beat ourselves up internally, which prevents us from even enjoying the replacement activity we’ve chosen. That stress grows and grows until we feel paralyzed to do anything.
So what’s a chronic procrastinator to do?! Your instinct may be to whip out your planner or set more reminders on your phone – essentially, to guilt yourself into being more productive with constant reminders that you’re not doing what you “should.” But, remember, your schedule isn’t actually the problem. And adding guilt and stress to an already bad feeling is only going to make the issue worse. So I suggest another way:
Get curious. Why might you be avoiding that bigger task? Is it simply that it’s something you don’t enjoy or are there bigger stakes? Are you worried about failure? Are you frustrated that you have to do the thing at all? How do you feel about the fact that you’re putting it off? When we have a better understanding of the “what” and “why” behind our actions, we’re so much better able to make a change. We’re also better prepared for this next step:
Get compassionate. Research has shown that those who are able to forgive themselves and show themselves compassion when procrastinating are actually less likely to procrastinate in the future. It might feel counterintuitive to let yourself off the hook, but trust me, it works. Gift yourself the night off when you find yourself avoiding that big project. Allow yourself to sleep in a little if you know you’re going to hit the snooze button 12 times. Sure, you may not get things done weeks in advance, but you also won’t spend those weeks leading up to a deadline overwhelmed by stress.
Do a thing. As you’re speaking to yourself with compassion, remind yourself that doing something small is always the first step toward doing something big. Struggling to motivate yourself to tackle a big project at work? Start by just opening your computer. Overwhelmed by the prospect of working out everyday? Start by going for a walk once. Ask yourself: If I can’t do it all, what can I do? Break it down into accessible steps, and see what it feels like to only commit to doing one step at a time.
I’d like to tell you that once I learned these things I never came close to missing a deadline again. But that’s not true. (Full disclosure: I was inspired to write on this topic because this blog is scheduled to be posted on Monday… and it’s already Monday.) But, I do understand my avoidance better when it happens and I rarely beat myself up for it anymore -- and that means it’s must less distressing. I’ve even noticed that I can actually enjoy the race-to-the-finish-line feeling that comes from getting something done at the last minute. So fellow procrastinators, remember: You are not lazy; you are deserving of kindness and forgiveness; and, most importantly, you are not alone.