Who's Right?

By Rebecca Patterson, MSMFT

Most couples spend at least some period of time having roundabout fights about who’s right and who said what, when. Getting stuck in who is right is an unhelpful practice for a whole host of reasons. There are a few things that obviously fall into right and wrong - civil liberties and honoring people’s identities to name a few. But still, outside of those, we glorify the concept of “being right” even when that attachment halts compromise and prevents us from accepting each other’s differences.

For those moments when you find yourself trying to convince each other of who is “right” I invite you to embrace a simple answer – no one. Here’s why: Our memories are always biased. We see the world through our own lens and never remember 100% of any interaction. The sooner we all embrace that we see the world differently and that those differences don’t reflect a deficiency, we release ourselves from a lot of the pressure to be perfect.

When we release the expectation that being right is what matters, there is less pressure in the conflict at hand. This, in turn, allows us to feel more compassion for our partner and be more receptive to their point of view. If you separate from the idea of one right person and one wrong person, and instead see yourselves as on the same team and looking to build each other up, the conflict in your relationship can shift to productive and grounded in understanding. 

By no longer arguing about what happened when, we can more easily show up humbly and empathically to moments of conflict. Empathy and humility open the door to understanding. With understanding, fights can be transformed into productive conflict where you negotiate and find peace in a situation or around a difference instead of spending time stuck in trying to be right.