The Art of Compromise
By Amy Berrafato, LMFT, CST
She likes to read, and you love the movies. He works out often, and you can’t stand the gym. You are an external processor, while your partner internalizes everything. They like things clean, and you are quite messy. His family oversteps, and hers is distant at best. You couldn’t be more different. And yet! Here you are.
Your differences are special and unique. At times they bring out the best in you, and at others they drive you insane. WHY are you the way that you are?! There is research on long-term compatibility that shows that any two people can make a relationship work, no matter your differences. It’s more about how you manage and accept your differences that matters in the long run.
Making decisions with someone else is not always a walk in the park. Two thoughts here: 1. Forget 50-50 and 2. Know your non-negotiables and areas of flexibility. Allow me to explain:
Sometimes compromise looks like 50-50; a little bit of what I want and a little bit of what you want. Some selfless give and take. Remember that’s not an even split, so don’t keep count. It can also help to completely take turns sometimes; first I get to do 100% what I want, and next time you do. Win-win! See what feels right for you and your partner.
When making decisions, your non-negotiables are your must-haves, often based on your values: “I have to be able to work out during the week. I care about having a healthy lifestyle.” Then your areas of flexibility reflect your wiggle room: “I can go to the gym at any time of day, so whatever works best for you to be with the kids. What do you think?” Most effective negotiations will come from your flexibilities. Another win!
While this may hit a competitive nerve, compromise isn’t about winning. It’s about the dance of making good decisions together. Ones that feel fair, collaborative, and made from a spirit of selfless love. Your relationship will thank you and your sweet dance moves!