You Said WHAT?!

By Amy Berrafato, LMFT, CST

Human beings are fascinating. How and why we do what we do always intrigues me! What intrigues me even more? Why we say the things we say, especially when said things are insulting. Or mean. Or just plain rude. I can’t tell you how often I’ve thought to myself, “Wow. I can’t believe you just said that. Out loud. To someone.” It makes me think about the importance of our words, and that little voice in our brain called a filter, which is often a massively underrated asset in relationships. Let it become your new best friend, please and thank you.

As a words-of-affirmation gal myself, efforts toward intentional communication go a long way. Most of us have been taught that we must be 100% honest with our partner. We’d like to challenge that notion, and instead suggest we lead with the idea that we should ALWAYS use our filter so that we can be thoughtful about how our words impact others.

Those who know me well know that I have an affinity for lists. They just make me happy. They’re easy to follow and make sense for a variety of occasions. Here is one very important list for you to have as you go into the holidays, and perhaps find yourself with a weak filter after one too many egg nogs. Do everyone a favor, and commit these to memory, because words can hurt!

List of Things to Not Say. Ever.

On Love:

“Why are you still single?”

“There is an available burial plot for you with our family, should you need it one day.”

On Babies and Bodies:

“Are you pregnant?” (Insert unwelcome tummy touch)

“When are you guys going to start trying to have kids? The clock is ticking!”

“Wow, you still look pregnant.” (post childbirth)

On Sex:

“This was never an issue with other partners.”

“You smell.”

“I’m just not attracted to you anymore.”

On Feelings:

“Don’t cry.”

“I’m sorry if that hurt you.”

“You always/never make me feel this way.”

List lesson: Words matter. Make them count!