I'm the Problem, It's Me

By Amy Berrafato, LMFT, CST

It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me

At tea time, everybody agrees

I'll stare directly at the sun but never in the mirror

It must be exhausting always rooting for the anti-hero

There is a common (often unspoken) expectation in egalitarian relationships to have a 50/50 split in responsibility for everything. From household chores to decisions to initiative to finances to parenting–we expect fairness in all domains. After all, we deserve to be treated fairly, right? Of course! And, if we expand our self-awareness a bit more, we might turn that elusive goal of ‘fairness’ on its head.

I tell my couples often:

You are each 100% responsible for yourself in your relationship interactions, at all times. 

Moods, actions, tone of voice, attitude, sex life, conflict, mental and physical health. Relationships are a dance, always moving and playing off one another, shifting in subtle and grand ways. If both partners take responsibility for their part of the dynamic, then you can shift out of the blame game and redirect the energy instead. Nothing diffuses tension like a quick apology or acknowledgment! “You’re right, I wasn’t listening. Can you say that again?”

Say your partner is getting defensive…consider if you may have said something critical to put them there. Rather than “why don’t you ever listen to me?!” try “I need your help with this today; do you have some time later?” Your partner may have some work to do on that defensiveness, but you don’t need to make it worse by piling on. Think of it as sidestepping an unnecessary argument. A ninja move! 

Everyone has areas for growth in their relationships. You can’t work on those things if you aren’t willing to look in the mirror at your role in the dance. Do that with love and self-compassion–no need to be hard on yourself here. Be kind. A little self-awareness goes a long way.