But Who’s Baking the Cookies?

By Amy Stewart, LMFT, CST

Fresh off a weekend of giving thanks and spending time with family and friends, what did you notice about the balance of work being done? This time of year, conversations often revolve around additional stress, more work to be done and more money to be spent. Unsurprisingly, women often find themselves carrying so much of the weight of creating holiday magic that they miss out on much of the actual experience.

Brigid Schulte’s Washington Post article highlights the additional work that’s piled atop an already heavy load. “Despite making advances in education, shattering glass ceilings in the workforce and in politics, and gaining more economic independence in the past 40 years, women, on average, still do twice as much housework and child care as men, even when they work full-time outside the home. This “second shift” of housework and child care is still alive and well, and holidays often send that unequal division of labor into overdrive, creating a “third shift.” 

Many women recognize that these high expectations are not coming not from their partners or children, but instead from their own ideas of what “should” be done. Let’s not forget that these shoulds are less an instinct for cookie baking and candy making and more cultural construction fed to women via every magazine cover ever created. This trajectory leads to women feeling compelled to engage in what author Leslie Bella calls “family making.” So, if family making is the goal, what if you try doing the making as a family?

Sit down and have a conversation about what you’re working to create. What feels meaningful and what can you let go of? Is it worth spending the money or energy on sending cards to everyone whose path you’ve ever crossed? What type of budget can you agree on for celebrating? And, most importantly, how can you divide the load equitably so everyone shares in magic making?